My curls are a metaphor.

When I was little, my straight-haired mom attempted to tame my curls by getting my hair cut very short. I wanted long hair but my curls would create impenetrable bird’s nests that my mom had no idea how to untangle. She wanted me to look presentable, clean, and neat. To her that meant tidy, tamed hair.

I have an early memory of her trying to clip one of my curls into a blue plastic barrette with a duck on it. As soon as she closed that barrette on a curl—zing! The tiny piece of plastic flew across the room. To my mom’s dismay, the pressure of one curl completely neutralized 1970’s barrette technology.

I spent a lot of time in high school trying to have smooth, silky hair like many of my peers. My curls were not down with that. They didn’t like Pantene or any other shampoo that I tried. Hairstylists in my predominantly white neighborhood didn’t know what to do with my lovely tresses. Hair products like gel made my curls crunchy, mousse made them frizzy. A flat iron left my hair brittle and limp.

Flash forward to today: I’ve stopped trying to make my curls into something they aren’t. I have zero interest in changing them. I feel a strong aversion to using harsh chemicals and expensive treatments to make them straight and smooth. And, lo and behold, I have fallen in love with my curls.

It all started with accepting them for exactly what they are—wild, unruly, gravity-defying spirals. Some mornings I wake up looking like Kramer. Other mornings, Medusa greets me in the mirror. I accept that I am unruly. I am wild. I am messy. And slowly, I've come to love those qualities about myself.

But it all started with one teeny, tiny shift.

Acceptance.

With acceptance, I started looking for hair care products and tools outside of straight-haired culture. I discovered that curly hair has an entirely different structure than straight hair and along with its different structure, curly hair has very different needs. Like co-washing. Co-washing is the practice of using conditioner rather than shampoo to clean hair. Maybe you’re thinking, like I was thinking, how does hair get clean only using conditioner? Trust me, it does. Or better yet, try it for yourself. I didn’t know about this until I was in my late twenties, almost twenty years ago. And this single alteration in my hair care routine has changed my hair for the better.

Is there a part of yourself that you can offer one drop of acceptance? Maybe eventually growing that one drop into a flood of acceptance for a wild, unruly, messy part of yourself? I'm holding you with so much love and compassion as you sit with this question.

Here are my favorite hair care products, tools and tips for curly hair:

A quiz to learn more about your unique curls

A fabulous hairstylist if you're near Norwich, CT: Mehera at Platinum​

​Alaffia’s Beautiful Curls line has so many products & I especially like their leave-in conditioners for styling. Their ingredients are mostly pronounceable and their philosophy is Beyond Fair Trade. The Environmental Working Group gives the leave-in conditioners a 3/10 (with 1 being the best).

For the adventurous DIY-er: Rice water. You may use rice water instead of shampoo or conditioner. Most of us curly-haired peeps have such dry hair, we can happily use just rice water--it cleans and acts like a conditioner.

​Ouidad makes my favorite conditioner for co-washing. A little goes a long way and I can feel the difference in my curls immediately. However, I’m not so excited about some of the ingredients but the results are too amazing not to share.

There are a ton of products for curls out there and I definitely didn't get to all of them. Here are some that I'm excited to try:Boucleme, Alodia, Mielle, All About Curls, and Treluxe​

I bought two Beautifully Warm satin-lined hats 2 years ago and they are my go-to winter hats. I still get hat head but the curls bounce back and my hair doesn’t fall out the way it does with a regular wool or cotton hat.

​Grace Elaye has stylish, well-made hats.

​Kitsch makes super cute microfiber towels & hair wraps that protect curly hair from damage caused by excessive friction and cotton towels

Cotton pillowcases rough up curls more than a windy day so do yourself a favor and get a silk or satin pillowcase or bonnet. Your curls will thank you.

Curl-enhancing brushes and picks like this one from Kazmaleje. And Denman gives you a quiz to help you choose the exact right brushes for your curls

Heat damages curls and creates frizz, so having a hairdryer with cool settings and using a diffuser makes all the difference for keeping our tresses healthy & happy.

If you're a curly haired person, what are your favorite tips, tricks, and tools for making your hair look its best?

Full disclosure: I’m a white woman so, inherently, I have a ton of privilege. No one tries to touch my hair without my permission. I haven’t experienced massive amounts of oppression and discrimination in workplaces or school because of my hair. Despite misunderstanding my curls & their needs for decades, I’ve had a lot of resources around figuring out my hair needs. Because the products are excellent and because I’m working towards racial equity, I’m centering black-owned businesses as much as possible. I am not an affiliate for any of these products. I don’t receive anything for sharing them, just my own personal satisfaction that maybe I helped a curly haired person today